A Funny Feeling
by Cofkett
Summary: "Kate, I lived. If it means a little less pain, I can live with that. Now, I need to change, see how bad the burn is. Meanwhile, your partner wants you." Right. Her partner. McCord was her partner now. Not Castle. - - Based on spoilers for Need to Know. Rated M for mild sexy-times.


**Everything I've heard about this episode tells me it's going to be light and fluffy; so I have no idea why I decided to go in this direction with it. I guess my head's in a weird place. Also, it ends sort of abruptly; but that's how I wanted it. In the words of Richard Castle, we don't have all the answers. We just have to live with the questions and find our way. I'm still finding my way as a writer, and this direction felt right to me. So this is a one-shot.**

**[Edit 05.10.13: If you've read this story before, you may notice some changes. I've added some things, taken other things out, made some things different. I think it flows better now]**

Everything was the same; yet completely different at the same time - and she was not even thinking about what Sully had done to her old desk. She always saw this place as more than bricks and mortar; as a living, breathing organism. It had gone on without her, of course, as life always did. She wasn't any more special than the countless other men and women who'd come through these doors to serve the people.

But this place was special to her. This place had been her home. This place had been her sanctuary; this was where she'd met some of her closest friends, and where she'd slowly fallen for the love of her life. She'd grown up here - she'd been little more than a child in her rookie days; so new, only there for the resources to solve her mother's case; this was where Montgomery had taught her that there was a bigger world outside her pain; that there was a whole city full of pain; and that she could help prevent some of that pain if she put her mind to keeping killers off the streets.

And now she was back; keeping secrets from people she used to call colleagues; who she hoped she could still call friends but who knew, really?

It was as if Castle had a radar that went off whenever she got too far into her head; because whenever she did, he was by her side with a cup of coffee. Except lately, she'd been away so much he hadn't been able to; way too much time without him and his coffee; way too much time to think.

But he was here today, coffee in hand and a smile on his face and she couldn't help but smile back as she accepted the warm beverage. She had missed this; and he was positively giddy at the prospect of working a case with her again - even if she couldn't tell him anything.

"Thank you."

"So..." Castle said, evidently trying to seem nonchalant.

Beckett grinned as she sipped her coffee and nodded.  
"So..." she said.

Castle was still grinning. He hadn't stopped since he'd first laid eyes on her back here in the bullpen.

"This is nice," he said. "You and me, working a case again."

Beckett tilted her head to the side.  
"Well, not exactly. You're assisting the boys with a murder case; I'm working on federal business that happens to overlap with your case."

Castle waved a dismissive hand.  
"Yeah, but... you and me. Precinct. Murderboard. The boys. Coffee. Feels like old times."

Part of her wanted to keep arguing with him, but a bigger part of her was melting just to see how happy he was.  
"Yeah. Yeah, it kind of is like old times. You know, Castle, we never really got to work 'one last case' together. You weren't there when we solved our last official case and when you assisted in DC... we weren't really able to enjoy it." That was an understatement... but why bring that up now?  
" Maybe this could be our last-last case."

"I like that idea," Castle said. " Our partnership lasted four years. It would only be right to give it a proper send-off."

She smiled at him. They were close enough to touch now. She was so wrapped up in him that when McCord approached, she was taken completely off guard.

"Beckett?"

Beckett jumped, startled, spilling her coffee all over her fiancé.  
"Oh, Castle! God, I'm so sorry."

She expected him to yelp. He always was a cry-baby when it came to pain.

So she was surprised when rather than howling and calling a plastic surgeon, he laughed.

"It's ok."

"Did I burn you?"

Castle shrugged.  
"I don't know," he said, still smiling.

"How do you not know?" Beckett asked.

His smile started to fade.  
"Oh, you know, at my age, I've fallen over so many times."

She raised her eyebrows.

He sighed.  
"I don't have as much feeling in certain areas of my body as I used to," he said quietly.

"Oh," Beckett said. "The doctor did say you'd suffered some permanent nerve damage from the toxin."

"Well, he wasn't lying."

"Huh," she said, trying to push back the guilt that threatened to make her feel even worse than she'd already been feeling lately.

"Hey, Kate. I'm fine - thanks to you. I'm alive. So, I feel a little less pain. I can live with that. It's fine. I'm going to... get cleaned up; change clothes - check to see how bad the burn is; it's probably nothing. Your partner wants you."

He smiled and walk away. Right. Her partner. McCord. McCord was her partner. Not Castle. Not Castle, ever again, because of a choice she'd made in a day and frankly she wished she'd had more time because some days - most days lately - she wondered.

And in her position, that could be a great asset. It could also be extremely dangerous.

* * *

This was the part she cared about. So, she hadn't gotten to surprise him the way she'd planned, but she had him now; she was so glad she hadn't given up the lease to her apartment; the last thing they needed tonight was to be interrupted by Alexis's boyfriend.

"Can you feel this? " she asked, indicating their intertwined hands as they walked through the door.

Castle pressed his lips to her fingers, looking her straight in the eye, his tone solemn.  
"Always."

Beckett shook her head, beaming, fisted her hand in his hair and slammed the door shut with his body, her lips pressed tightly to his.  
"What about that, did you feel that?" she asked, panting.

Castle panted back.  
"Hmm, I'm not sure. Might need to try it again, just in case."

She nodded, kissing him furiously.  
"What about that? " she asked, gasping, when they broke off.

"Oh, yeah," Castle said, nodding. "I definitely felt something."

Beckett glanced down and smirked.  
"I can see that." Her hand wandered down to his crotch, eliciting some promising sounds from Castle - but she had to ask, just in case.

"Please tell me you can feel that," she whispered.

"Mmm," Castle said, kissing every piece of flesh he could find.

She grinned, basking in the assault of his lips.

"Oh, good," she said in delight, unbuttoning his shirt.

"Mm, Kate?" Castle kissed his way up her jaw.

"Mm?" she whispered.

"Bedroom."

"Mm, ok," she mumbled against his lips.

* * *

This was what she'd thought about, all this time, being away from him. She and him, flesh to flesh, no barriers. He let her take the lead, perhaps sensed that she needed it, as she straddled him, her hands splayed on his chest.

"Can you feel this?" she asked, out of curiosity more than guilt.

"Not really," Castle said.

She loved the place they were in, that he would admit that, even if he was worried about her reaction.  
"What about now?" she asked, spreading her fingertips lower towards his abdomen.

"Um... a little. But it's tingly. Like pins and needles."

Beckett nodded, running her hands all over his chest. She paused.

"What's wrong?" Castle asked.

"I don't know. Something's... different. Have you been working out?

Castle grinned. Clearly the fact that she'd noticed was a boost to his ego.  
"Well, I've had a little more time on my hands lately. I've been going for a run in the mornings."

"You, a run? With_ your _knee?"

"Well, maybe more of a jog. You know how you'd always set the alarm for five-thirty so you could go for your morning run; and how it always woke me up?"

"Yeah," Beckett said with a sheepish smile.

"Well it messed with my body-clock and now I've been waking up at five-thirty in the morning - which, you know, I'm fine with if there's a dead body; but if not... what am I supposed to do at five-thirty? That's ungodly for me. So, any way, one morning, I'm staring at the ceiling trying to fall back asleep and I think to myself... 'I wonder what Kate's doing right now.' But I don't have to wonder.  
"Because I know you. You might have changed jobs; you might have changed cities, but you're a creature of habit. You need your routine. So more often than not, you were probably still going for a run at the same time. So I started running at that time, too, because, knowing that you were probably doing the same thing at the same time... kind of made me feel like I was running with you; like somehow despite our distance, we were still together in some way, still connected. It made me.. feel closer to you. It makes being away from you bearable until I get to see you again."

"That is so sweet," Beckett said, stroking his hair. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I miss you," she said, her voice cracking as she stared at her navel.

"Hey," Castle said, raising her chin with gentle fingers. "Hey. You don't have to miss me right now. I'm right here."

"Yeah, for now," Beckett said, "but what happens when the case is over and I have to go back to DC; or Chicago or San Francisco? I've already missed so much. I haven't seen you since your recovery and I know you said the hardest things in life are the things worth doing, but do you know what? We're not actually doing it - being together - not nearly as much as we need to be. I mean, you say you'll move to DC, but what about in the meantime? I hate being away from you for _days_, let alone weeks. You're changing and I'm not here."

Castle brushed a lock of hair behind her ear.  
"You're here now. And it's all going to be worth it. This is your dream job. And you're awesome at it."

"But what if it's not?"

"What?"

"My dream job. My dream, Castle. My dream was to be able to hold people in authority accountable for their actions; my dream was to go to the centre of corruption where secrets like the one that got my Mom killed thrive. But instead of serving justice against people who've done the wrong thing, more often than not I'm protecting them; and I'm being away from you to do it; from my Dad, my friends...  
"When I first met Kevin Ryan, he was just out of narcotics. He lived in leather jackets, took in furniture off the street - he didn't even believe in marriage. And now look at him. I've watched him grow into this incredible husband, this incredible man. I watched him go through all those changes and now he's going to be a father and I'm going to miss it."

"Kate... Kate, what are you saying?"

Beckett let herself collapse against his chest, let him put his arms around her.  
" I don't know." She sighed. "All I know right now is that I love you."

He pressed his lips to her head. "I love you, too. You know, we don't have to do anything tonight. I would be content just to hold you -"

"No, I want to make you feel as much as possible."

"I feel everything when I'm with you, Kate."

"I want to make love with you as many times as I can before I have to go back to DC without you."

Castle's pupils dilated with desire.  
"Uh... Ok," he said, his voice husky. "I think I can live with that."

She kissed him, sitting back up and taking him in. She loved this man, so, so much. Why did they ever have to be apart? Because this... this was what life was. This was happiness, peace, joy. This moment, here with him. All that he meant to her, all her emotions, hit her at the same time. Beckett wasn't good with handling more than one emotion at a time. Usually, she held onto one feeling and let that guide her. But she was out of her element when she was with Castle.

When she was with him, she let herself be vulnerable; let herself feel things she'd previously refused to acknowledge that were there living inside her, deeper than pain, stronger than love, the purest form of Kate and all that she was - she let him in, let him see her, and he didn't look away. She was beautiful to him, warts and all, and she felt the same about him.

He could reach that part of her no one else could - and she didn't want anyone else to know this part of herself. This was for him only, for them only.

_I'm so lucky_, she thought.

She quivered, not just with pleasure, as she felt the emotions take over her body. At first she thought she was crying, but she'd done that once or twice during sex, and Castle had kissed her, held her tighter and whispered his loved to her. This time, he merely stared at her in confusion. Then she realised. She wasn't crying. She was laughing. Hysterically.

"Kate?"

Beckett nodded through her giggle-fit.

"What's so funny?"

"I don't know!"

Castle sniggered, joining her. He did pull her closer now. They laughed as they moved together, struggling to breathe, overwhelmed by ecstatic euphoria. They continued to laugh through their respective releases. It took a while but eventually they calmed down. Castle kissed her sweat-slick body before she rolled off him.

She snuggled back into his arms.

"Wow," Castle said, "That was...:"

"Really weird," Beckett said.

"Yeah. What was that?"

Beckett sighed.  
"I don't know. I just... like being here. It makes me... so happy when I can spend the night with you that this time I just... had to laugh, I guess, with all those endorphins bubbling inside me." She buried her head into his shoulder. "I don't ever want to leave."

"I don't want you to leave, either," Castle said.

"Then maybe I shouldn't," Beckett said.

"Kate, you have a job in DC."

"What if I don't want a job in DC? What if what I want is to make right something that can never be right? My Mom is dead. She died because she was pursuing justice along with countless other victims who were only after the truth and they paid for it with their lives.  
"And I thought if I took this job... maybe I could make a difference. Maybe I could show people in politics that it's not ok to play God; that it's their job to serve the people; not to kill them; not to lie to them; not to profit from their suffering. Reed orders an attack knowing Farah's still in the building; She dies and he gets promoted to Secretary of defence. Bracken blackmails dirty cops who kidnapped mobsters to fund his first campaign.  
"He kills people to cover it up - including my Mom and Montgomery - and he becomes a senator; and now he might even be president. How am I supposed to change the system when I'm just a pawn?"

"Kate, you're having doubts. That's normal. But you are making a difference. You made a difference to me. And Mrs. Reed and the countless other people you saved.  
You're making a difference to the country by protecting it. I know you, Kate. You don't give up; that was the first thing that made me start to fall in love with you."

"But what exactly would I be giving up? I already gave up a job I loved to do something... bigger, more important. Instead I just have to deal with this bureaucratic crap; it was so much easier when I was just solving good old fashioned murders. It wasn't fancy; it wasn't big; but it was right and I knew where I stood."

"You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?"

"Every day I'm not with you - and even more when I am."

"Kate - "

"Castle..." She took a deep breath. "What if I made the wrong decision?"

**The End**


End file.
